Parental Control December 2016

Q: What are your thoughts about letting your child sleep in the bed with you? My child is three, and it’s something I sometimes do, but not all the time. I have other parents that tell me I’m awful and I’m going to mess up my child.

A: This has been a loaded question for decades – to co-sleep or not to co-sleep. I think the answer to this question lies within the co-sleep reason(s) for the parent and the child. It can be very comforting for both the parent and the child to be in the same bed, especially when the child is sick. Sometimes children want to crawl in bed with a parent when they are scared or afraid of something like a bad dream or a thunderstorm.

The problem occurs when the child or parent cannot sleep unless they are in the same bed. Children are creatures of habit, and this can quickly become a bad habit if they start to refuse and/or become greatly distressed to have to sleep in their own bed. Nighttime routines are beneficial for toddlers. Creating a bedtime ritual like brushing their teeth, reading a story and tucking them in creates a sense of calmness and stability. They are less anxious with bedtime because they know what to expect. Bedtime becomes a positive experience instead of a stressful one.  Often, children of this age will become upset because they do not understand why sometimes it is okay to co-sleep and other times it is not. Thus, clear boundaries are necessary if you decide to share your bed.  If your child appears adjusted to the routine of sometimes sleeping with you and does not appear upset when told to sleep in his/her own bed, then I would not be concerned. This is a very personal parental decision. Be mindful of your thoughts and reasons on allowing your child to co-sleep and continue if you feel this is what is best for you and your child.

Q:  My daughter is in 5th grade, and I can’t tell you how distraught I am about the events that are taking place in our country. I worry so much about the safety of my child. From the shootings in malls, the troubles the law enforcement are facing, to bombings. How can I help her be better prepared in case something happened?

A: As parents, we are all concerned with keeping our child/children safe in an ever changing world and society. I delivered my child three days after the massive terrorist event on Sept. 11, 2001. Emotions of worry and fear for my unborn child came flooding to me. I finally stopped and realized that there have always been unstable people and groups in this world. The possibility of a violent attack has always been there, but it seems there is more intense fear created by the media coverage we have today.

As parents, I think it is important to be proactive and talk to children about dangers in an age-appropriate way and not create unnecessary anxiety. They need to be educated on being aware of their surroundings so they can spot potential dangers and should certainly know safety protocol if they are ever in a situation where they feel scared or unsafe. Talking about places to go if something were to happen while you are not with them in various locations is appropriate as well. However, creating a sense of fear for all things in this world is certainly not healthy for the child. The most important thing you can do is create an open line of communication with your child to discuss things that frighten or concern her. Talk about current events and let her ask questions. She is at an age where misinformation from peers and social media can distort truth and facts. Let her know that there are things in this world that are out of our control, but there are still good things as well. Education, communication, and reassurance are three essential elements in raising a child that is prepared for a situation but not cause them to be over anxious.

Q: My child is six years old. I have a tendency to give in and do whatever is easiest, especially when we are out in public. I don’t want the time that we spend together to always be argumentative. How do you recommend not being a pushover but still having fun at the same time?

A: Parents give into their children for all kinds of reasons. We, as parents, like to please our children and create happy memories. We want trips to stores and restaurants to be pleasant and hassle-free. Plus, giving in is a lot easier than saying no. A lot of parents feels guilty for working too much or having to run errands.

There is nothing wrong with going to Walmart for your regular shopping trip and buying your child a small toy, or a snack—but if the reason you are buying that toy or snack is because your child is screaming or throwing a fit because they want it – that is not the answer. Let your child have the fit. It may be embarrassing for you at the time. However,  you are teaching your child that they don’t always get everything they want.

If you always give into the screaming or fits they throw – this may lead to the child always having meltdowns when they want to get their way. This is a way they have learned how to manipulate you to get what they want. Your child does not need to go into the “real world” thinking they always get what they want.

It may be hard now to deal with the tantrums, but fight through, and the outcome will be easier in the future!