Parental Control April 2017

Q:  I have two children, ages 6 and 11. My 11-year-old son is always having trouble with homework, not getting it done. I’ve taken away his PlayStation, made him go to bed early, and I feel like I’m the one trying to fix things with his teacher. How can I make him care about his work in school?

A: Homework is harder for some students than others. There are so many things around you when you are home that sound more appealing than homework. If you can, make homework something you do as soon as the children get home. Make sure there is a quite space for him to work with no distractions. Try to sit down with him and offer help to show that you are involved and curious about what he is learning. Keep reminding him that as soon as he completes his work, he can go and do the things he wants to do. If he is in any after school activities or sports, make sure he knows that he has to complete his homework and keep his grades up if he wants to remain involved. An 11-year-old who does not want to do their homework is typical behavior for that age. I do not know many children who like homework, or even adults who do for that matter. Use this as an opportunity to talk about everything that he does not necessarily like to do, but that he has to do. An example I would use is that I hate doing laundry, but I have to do it so that we have clean clothes to wear.

Your son is at a hard age, and he is developing his personality and preferences every day. Keep talking to him about how important an education is for his future. Make sure you are talking to him about small goals he has to
accomplish to get to larger goals, like college or a career. Just be patient with him and keep making school a priority.

Q: My daughter is 8 years old. She is teased a lot at school and on the bus. I think it is because she is a little small for her age and the kids like to make fun of her. I have told her it is just kids being silly and not to let it bother her. Do you have any other advice to help make her feel better?

A: Bullying is a tough subject to tackle, and unfortunately, many children learn about this subject early in life. If the same children are teasing her repeatedly, then someone at her school needs to know about it so they can address it with the students involved. Explain to your daughter that she needs to report anything that happens on the bus or at school to an adult at her school, like a principal, guidance counselor, or teacher. She needs to report these issues to the same adult every time.

There has been a lot of research on bullying and teasing in school done over the last several years. Most experts agree that bullies enjoy when their victims are visibly upset by their actions. Your daughter might not be able to change how others act, but she can assert herself so that her peers are less likely to target her. Explain the concept of confidence to her, tell her to sit up nice and tall and speak with a loud, clear voice. When someone calls her a name tell her to point out how they are making her feel. An example of this would be for her to say, “Stop making fun of me. That is mean.” Another example of a way for her to stand up to her teasers in a respectful way is to say, “I might be small, but I will grow. You will always be mean.”

There will always be people around who are bullies, we cannot change that, but we can change how we react to it. Encourage your daughter to intervene when she sees someone being teased at school. Always remind her that her worth is not in how everyone else sees her, but how she sees herself. Self-esteem is so important in children and even more important once they hit their teenage years.

Q: This isn’t really a question but more of a statement. I am just seeing more and more children disrespect their parents out in public. I am appalled at how they speak to them and then how their parents in turn speak to other people. Is this something that you think can change or is it a generational problem that is passed on?

A: I, too, have noticed an increase in disrespect, so I did a little checking on the internet.  What I found was a quote attributed to Socrates, “Children now love luxury…[they have] bad manners, contempt for authority, and show disrespect for elders…” So the good news is that this is not really a new occurrence!

Children, however, do not come equipped with intact social and behavioral skills. It is up to parents (adults) to model respectful behavior and to make sure that we also treat our children with respect.  Adults must “check themselves” regularly to ensure that we are acting and speaking appropriately in our own interactions with others.

I also believe that our hectic lifestyles and greater reliance on technology play a part in what we see going on around us.  Think about how our personal interactions with other human beings have decreased since we text, have video available at our fingertips, and can play games with others from thousands of miles away.  It is no wonder that our personal relationships and how we deal with each other one-on-one have suffered as our reliance on technology has increased.  Our society has grown impatient waiting on food from the microwave and have little tolerance for anything that does not satisfy our needs immediately.  Our children have access to much, much more than we ever dreamed. That is a good thing!  However, along with this tremendous access comes increased responsibility for parents to monitor, know what our kids are seeing and with whom they are speaking. Often, seeing disrespect on the internet and having it condoned by peers can lead to disrespect from kids who have never had that issue previously.

My advice: Unplug! Go outside!  Have a picnic with your neighbors!  Model those respectful behaviors for our kids!