Parental Control June 2017

Q: I have a 12-year-old son and he is so lazy. He never wants to help around the house. He just wants to lay around the house and play video games. I feel like all I do is yell at him and nothing works. How would you handle this?

A: Having a child that age is hard; Walk into North Middle School or South Middle School on any given day, and you will soon discover why this is. A typical teenager is going to test the limits and see how much they can get away with from authority figures. Something I always suggest to parents is to come up with a contract with their children. What I mean by this is to have a contract that says “I will do this and this and this and if I don’t I will have this consequence.” If you and your son come up with this contract together and he “violates” the agreement, then there is no argument about what the consequence would be because he had some part in creating it. If you want him to have more responsibilities, you have to communicate that to him. Let him know that he will not be allowed to play video games until all of his homework is done, he has completed his chores, and whatever else you desire for him to do each day. It is important for you as a parent to stick to what you say and not give in when he tries to challenge you. I know this is hard after a long day, but it is the only way to show him that you expect certain things from him every day! Eventually, he will understand that you aren’t going to allow him to not contribute to your household.

If he is motivated by money, you can give him a weekly or monthly allowance if he completes all of his chores. This is a way he can learn to manage his money and learn that you have to work for what you want.  You can let him purchase his new video games himself with the money he earns doing his chores.

Q: I am the mom of twin boys, age 3 and a daughter who is 6. I know that at times, I let them do whatever and I never follow through on anything I say. My husband and I both work full-time. I am not trying to make excuses, but we are tired when we get home. I know my kids think they can get away with whatever. Help me change my ways before it is too late.

A: Twin toddlers are enough to make any parent tired, you add in a six-year-old and working full-time, and you have your hands full. What I like to stress before anything else is that you have to take care of yourselves before you can efficiently manage your family. If you and your husband don’t already, make sure you schedule a regular date night for the two of you. Spending adult-only time together will help both of you with stress management, but also taking care of yourselves individually is going to help too! Find something that you enjoy doing that helps when you are stressed out, this can be exercising, gardening, reading, anything that makes you feel calm and DO IT REGULARLY! Encourage your husband to do the same. The theory behind this is that you can’t take care of other tiny humans if you aren’t taking care of yourself first. If you are less stressed than before, then the little spat over dinner about your children refusing to eat the green beans won’t be as big of a deal, and you will be more likely to stick to your guns!

You might be giving your children a little more credit than they need in the reasoning department. Your children probably don’t think they can get away with whatever, but they probably just know they want to do what they want to do and don’t understand why you don’t want them doing it. It is important to set certain boundaries and not give in on things you and your husband feel are important, but also just as important to pick your battles! Just remember, most parents think they are failing at being parents at some point. You are not alone!

Q: What can I do when nothing works for my 6-year-old son? When he gets in trouble, I can take toys away, make him go to his room, timeouts, and nothing works. He acts as if he does not care at all. Help?

A: The most important thing I hear you saying is that you are trying and that is a great start! What I would do first is to see if your son is having these same issues at school. This can help you gauge if this is just a problem with you at home or if it is something a little bit larger. If he has problems at school, you might talk to his teachers and see what effectively works for them at school and go from there. Another very valuable resource here in Henderson are the great pediatricians who can give you some guidance on what to expect from this age and also appropriate punishments. Talk to your son’s doctor about the issues you are having and see if they have some guidance for you! The most important thing to consider is that 6-year-olds are starting to find their independence and they are trying to gain control over more aspects of their lives and with this comes testing their boundaries. You might need to change how you punish your child, for example, timeouts might not work anymore, and he might respond better to something else. If taking away his toys is not working then try taking away playdates or other fun activities he enjoys as a punishment. Make sure you are clearly communicating why he is getting into trouble each time and what he could have done to have a better outcome. Just always be consistent with your punishments. If you give in just one time that might give him the impression that you might give in another time and cause him to push you even more. Consistency is key when parenting children. If they have clear expectations, then they will be less likely to test the boundaries regularly.