When the Holidays Feel Different

Written by Rebecca Hopper, M.D.

The seasons are changing, and the holidays are quickly approaching. The world around us seems to ask more of us while also pulling our focus toward making this time as special as possible. Family gatherings, good food, parties, gifts and the expectation to be joyful can all be wonderful — but they can also feel overwhelming.How do you enjoy the holidays when they look different from the so-called “ideal” or even from what you expected?

Many people enter the holiday season carrying unexpected burdens: the death of a loved one, divorce, illness, family tension, financial loss or any number of other life stressors. Our instinct may be to push those difficult feelings aside because no one wants to be a downer during the holidays. Aren’t we supposed to be happy?

A healthier approach is to acknowledge what’s difficult, both to yourself and to the people you love and trust. The reality is that very few people experience the “picture-perfect” holiday, and it’s important to remember that you get to create your own picture.

You cannot change what you have experienced, but you can create a season that serves you in this chapter of your life. Change traditions if memories of the way things used to be are too painful. Set clear boundaries around who you will and will not spend time with — not out of spite, but with the intention of protecting your peace. Reach out to people you trust for support, and consider helping someone else as a way to shift your focus beyond your own struggles.

And don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional if you need help navigating the season. Asking for help can be an important step in taking care of yourself.

It’s also important to remember that we can carry more than one thing at a time. You can hold both grief and joy, loneliness and connection, hope and disappointment, faith and fear, fun and fatigue.

Don’t let the expectations of the season keep you from recognizing the good that can exist alongside the hard. Look for what is good in your life, rather than what society tells you your life should look like.

The holidays will pass. Give yourself permission to experience this season as it is, not as you think it is supposed to be. And remember, sometimes the most unexpectedly wonderful things have a way of showing up when we need them most.